Navigating the Stages of Breaking Up - the Secret Sixth Stage

Breaking up, like any other form of loss, has a few different stages. The one to really look forward to is the 'finally over it!' stage but in between now and then you'll have a few other, much more difficult ones to contend with.

But don't be afraid, never be afraid, of going through these stages of breaking up, even if you don't want to get over the person and only want to dream about getting them back, allow yourself to at least consider the possibility of your life in the near-future without them.

You will find all kinds of information regarding the stages of breaking up online but the ones I find most closely corresponds the actual situation are the ones related to any kind of major loss (of friend, family, even house or car!).

These are denial, anger or resentment, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They translate differently, but synonymously, when it comes to the loss of your partner when breaking up.

The first of the stages of breaking up is denial, is the refusal to acknowledge the separation. For a few days (sometimes even weeks!) you keep expecting your ex to call up and ask you out for a coffee, or imagining that they're going to show up with some flowers because they've realized what a big mistake they made.

That's okay. Let yourself go through this, but also let yourself be open to the possibility that they are gone, they are not going to change their minds.

Then you're going to feel anger or resentment, where you start raging about what jerk your ex is, and how dare they think they could just leave you! You'll feel a lot of anger towards the person who left and even some towards yourself for not 'seeing it coming', or for 'not being enough' for your ex.

Realize that these are temporary feelings, that there is nothing wrong with the other person and that there is, and this is important, nothing wrong with you.

Third among the stages of breaking up is bargaining. This is a common one, and normally includes you making all kinds of deals and promises via text message, email or letter to the person who left. You might think that if you just do this differently, or that in another way, that will be enough. It won't. Let it go.

The fourth in the stages of breaking up, depression, is probably the hardest to go through. It involves an acknowledgment of a reality that sits on your mind like a beached whale: cold, heavy and impossible to deal with on your own.

You need friends, hobbies and a rekindling of passion in your other interests at this time. Go out as much as you can and try to be alone as little of the time as possible.

Final among the stages of breaking up is acceptance, which feels like a breath of fresh air. The whale's moved off and singing songs about freedom, and you're able to walk along the beach alone without feeling lonely. And this is where that secret sixth stage comes in for some relationships: making up.

Sometimes the stages of breaking up are not so final at all, but you need to treat them as if they were. This will make you ready for the sixth stage.